I Felt So Empty Inside

Story by Eunice Wong. Edited by Abby Nguyen.

Disclaimer: this is a story that involves self-harm, failed life threatening attempts and panic attacks. 

It began when I was 18 years old, while everyone was busy enjoying the most beautiful age of their life and colored their dreams with a rainbow, but I was diagnosed with PTSD. Hopelessly, I was terrorized by that severe mental illness and tried a thousand times to escape from the frightening nightmares.

Before I underwent my mental health prescription, I couldn't recognize how gradually the signals were evolving. They were full of fatigues and anxieties. Every night without warning, relentless nightmares arrived that devastated me. I used to have dreams about strangers chasing me all the time. I saw myself running in that never-ending race, unable to find a way out. I got stuck in these nightmares with no escape plan, but gave me panic attacks instead. When I woke up, I would usually be  sweaty and shrunk. I felt so empty inside. 

Fears and concerns fully occupied my mind. I started to cry for no reason that would last from one to three hours. I continuously screamed and cried every three or four days. Often I would get flashbacks that would trigger these nightmares. 

After suffering from these nightmares, I decided to consult a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with PTSD, perhaps because of my endless anxieties. One of my biggest anxieties was the numerous rejections for my visa application to study abroad. Besides, I was not able to head home to get additional prescribed medication during the Covid-19 pandemic lockdown. To make the matter worse, I did not know how to contact a regional psychiatrist if my meds ran out.

The final straw happened when I was stuck in Singapore without having an extended student visa to stay in the country. Many times my visa application was rejected. I was advised to get formal approval from my country’s embassy first. The protocols were quite confusing due to changes by both countries. That resulted in me making multiple trips to different offices to get my visa extended.

My anxieties were tenfold when reports went swirling that there would be no available flights for me to return home. There was no one I could turn to for advice and support, not even from my school. The fear of uncertainty brought me into a  meltdown. My PTSD worsened. I was helpless, but I knew I needed help.

Bravely, I went to see a psychiatrist in Singapore who prescribed more medicine to help me fall asleep. This medication was to prevent me from jumping off my sleep whenever I had nightmares or uncontrollable flashbacks. By taking the medications, I thought it would be a good supporting document to have my visa extended and approved. But I was wrong as the visa extensions were only for a few extra days. I went into another downward spiral.

Seeing no solutions to my predicament and worsen PTSD, I attempted suicide by overdosing myself with my prescriptions. I was rushed to the hospital and found unconscious. After I regained consciousness, the doctor told me that I was in an unpredictable state, dead or alive. 

By the way, that was not the first time that I attempted suicide. I used to harm myself with bruises and scars. Once I wanted to jump off the rooftop, but I bailed out as I was too scared of heights. I even sliced my wrist with a kitchen knife to end it all. My life seemed meaningless at that time. I didn't remember anything after this failed attempt.

Now as I am recovering progressively from PTSD, I started to have confidence in myself. It has been a long and confusing journey for me, but I managed to crawl out alive. 

So, how did I do it? Firstly, it was through self-preservation that eventually led me to find  someone who was there to listen, provide comfort and offer support. I was fortunate that a counsellor from Limitless was the person who stood by my side for my mental health recovery. The Limitless team gave me strength and encouragement one step at a time. The team and my psychiatrist submitted an appeal to ICA on my behalf. They would often accompany me to the ICA and psychiatric visits to assure that I was never left alone. After my last failed suicide attempt, I was watched over by informal support 24/7 to ensure that I was safe and alive. For that, I am forever grateful and inspired to help others in similar situations.

Secondly, my older sister gave me her unwavering love with her daily long distance phone calls from the US. The global pandemic might have prevented us from being physically together, but hearing her loving tender voice daily gave me strength to crawl out of my darkness. Slowly, but surely.

Finally, I found a kind person whom I consider her my best friend now. During my road to recovery, she also kept me company even to the grocery store. She helped me stop isolating myself by doing “normal stuff” like shopping, baking, cooking and hanging out with other people. It was a struggle for me at first, but with her presence, I felt safe and confident to be around people once more.

Today, I cherish every moment to be alive, to have goals, to have dreams and so fortunate to have the support from family and close friends. If you are reading this, just so you know that hope is the ability to perceive that there is light despite the darkness. Within your doubt was a promise. And within your loss was an opportunity to be found. If there is only one idea that may provide you peace on your quietest and darkest nights, let it be this: one day, you will look back on your darkness, all you will see is magic. Just don’t let someone else catch your dreams. You are the dreamcatcher.

The End.

Eunice Wong is a full time Social Worker  with Limitless.

Abby Nguyen is a Volunteer Copywriter with Limitless.

If you enjoyed this story, let us know what you think?

Do you have a similar experience?

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Contact us: hello@limitless.sg